Monday, October 18, 2010

Step 1: See My Posterior. Step 2: Kiss It.

So, Scope and I have these neighbors who live one floor below us and I’m pretty certain they are the loony, snot-nosed descendants of Mr. Heckles from Friends. They are snooty, uberpicky and chronically unhappy about random everyday totally normal noises emanating from our condo.

And their constant complaining is SOOOOOOOOOOOO annoying.

*gnashing my teeth*

I’ve met them once. ONCE. When we were struggling to stuff a mammoth glass display case into the elevator on Moving Day. They walked into the lobby, stared at us, rolled their eyes and then took the stairs up.


Very nice.

No introductions. No ‘hey, welcome to the building!’ sentiments. No flipping offer to flipping help us with that flipping, flipping heavy display case, the flipping flippers!!!! Nothing but snottiness. And it hasn’t gotten any better from there.


They email us now. Oh joy. They email us to lecture and whine and cry and throw hissy fits about what awful neighbors we are because they can *gasp* hear us when we are home.


We’re not talking complaints about excessive or ridiculous noises here. No, no, no. It’s not like Scope and I are screaming at each other, having bowling tournaments in our hallway, yodeling “Welcome to the Jungle” or having Richard Simmons and Gilbert Gottfried over for dinner. Nope. We’re talking complaints about average, normal, everyday life noises here. Noises everyone else in this building has the privilege of making without getting hate mail from their neighbors.


Last night they sent us ANOTHER rude email. Our horrific crime this time? They heard us walking across our dining room floor.



Across the dining room.



Are you kidding me???? Who on Earth emails someone to complain about stuff like THAT???? Who????

That is completely ridiculous, of course. Completely. Ridiculous. When did walking across one’s own dining room become offensive? Hmm? What are we supposed to do, scoot around the house with pillows on our rears until we effectively learn how to levitate from room to room to avoid irritating the Heckles Herd (which is what I am hereby nicknaming them since they’ve never bothered to even tell me their real names: Adolph and Cruella Heckles. Heh heh heh)?

Needless to say last night’s email was the last straw. Scope is boiling mad now (and Scope NEVER gets mad, people!!) and is brewing up a scalding, blistering reply email as we speak.

(Give ‘em hell, Hubba Hubba Hubby!!!!)

As for me, I tend to fight like a girl. Sneakily. Sooo.... the next time I cross our dining room floor, I fully intend to do it while tap dancing in a bikini made of cow bells while banging pots and pans together and yelling "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!" like Xena.

So there!

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© Coracabana


FRANNIE said...

oooooo...I like the tap dancing.

I would leave the tv on the Gospel network All. Day. Long! And all night too, if I wasn't home. *snicker*

Anonymous said...

go tape a package of earplugs to their front door. Signed lovingly the neighbor.

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

Ah, this made me laugh. I get the feeling this won't be the last we hear of Adolph and Cruella.

SkylersDad said...

They are complete tools, and I think that email is the cowards way of complaining. Go confront them.

J.J. in L.A. said...

"tap dancing in a bikini made of cow bells while banging pots and pans together and yelling "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!"

Now, THAT I want to see! You'd better Flip it so we all get to see! Do like Monica and Rachel did and stomp on your floor. They wanna bitch? Give 'em something to really bitch about.

And I agree with SkyDad. Whining via e-mail is lame and cowardly. Knock on their door and ask, "You gotta problem with us?" I bet they back down.

Sassy Britches said...

I'm with Callista; send 'em the earplugs and let 'er rip!

ALVN of WhisperWood Cottage and Junkologie said...

The yodeled version of Welcome to the Jungle? It would totally go platinum! :)

Shana said...

You go girl !!!

Kal said...

Fuck them. If they want noise then you GIVE them noise till they move out. Take up clog dancing with those wooden shoes from Holland. Make love loudly (as if you couldn't) Make it worse and save their emails. They deserve to be woken up early with you dropping pots and pans all over the kitchen.

MaDdy!!! said...

HAve you tried the "who can play the loudest metal music ever game?" lol!!! Ensure u stomp the floor as you play it!!!

kebert said...

How did they get your e-mail address??? "tap dancing in a bikini made of cow bells while banging pots and pans together and yelling "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!"
is HILARIOUS!!!! I hope you guys get it straightened least you are above them in case it gets really ugly.

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