The Adventures of Fernando Von Bakonstein: The Weekend Road Trip

Early last Saturday morning, Scope, Wednesday and I packed a few bags, jumped into our PT Cruiser, and hit the road. Scope’s family was having a mini reunion 200 miles south of Chicago, in a small town called Mattoon. Pffft! Mattoon. It’s kind of fun to say. Try it. Muh-TOON. *giggle* It reminds me of a town Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck might have travelled through. And maybe they did, I dunno. But anyway….


We are still hosting Blogaritaville’s travelling porcine pal, Fernando Von Bakonstein (who came to stay with us after spending some good quality time with Skyler’s Dad in Colorado), and we thought we would take Fernando along to the family reunion with us!


Fernando is not exactly a morning person—uhh—pig. Needless to say, he didn’t appreciate being hauled out of bed at the butt crack of dawn.




There was much pouting and squealing and a grumbled ‘I hate you’ or two, but then we caffeinated the little diva and he got with the program.




Wednesday will be learning to drive soon and she wanted to sit up front with Scope in the car, study his moves, and pick up some driving tips on the road trip, so Fernando rode in the backseat with me.




On the way, the four of us listened to some 80’s compilation CDs and had a serious slew of snickering over that Frank and Moon Zappa “Valley Girl” song because one of Wednesday’s best friends is a tall, nerdy boy from India who, unintentionally, talks EXACTLY like that girl every time he opens his mouth. “Oh my gawd!” “Like, I’m so sure!” “I’m, like, totally freaking out!”


He will forever be called ‘Val’ behind his back now.


Traffic was unusually light, so we made really good time. Soon, the city faded away in our rearview mirror and the landscape stretched out flat, flat, flat in all directions around us.




After a few hours in the car, Fernando REALLY needed a potty break!        




We pulled over for a minute or two at a rest stop so Fernando could…. well…. you know.





Then we hopped back in the car and, before we knew it, we were in Mattoon.




We checked into our hotel and then got together with Scope’s family. We hung out, talking and eating with the Scopes all day, then had a big group picture taken by a dude working the front desk. (And, yes, Fernando is in the picture too! Wednesday is holding him. See that tiny pink speck in her hand?)





We went to bed in the hotel that night and it was soooooooo comfy, nice, relaxing and peaceful…. until the fire alarm went off!!!!


Yep.


Right after midnight, on April 1, we were jolted awake by a horrifically loud “BRRRRRRRRREEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” noise that seemed to have no end. It was like Nick Nolte was riding a lawn mower and singing “Something’s Coming” right in our room: Terrifying. Of course, while maybe our hotel neighbors assumed the proper protocol when being rudely awaken by Nick Nolte in the dead of night was to run up and down the hallway, panicking, in their underpants, we thought otherwise. In fact, we found the timing of the fire alarm to be suspicious. Most suspicious indeed.


A fire alarm at midnight on April Fool’s Day? Smelled like a punking to us! And we were right. Well, sort of. It turned out that some kids had stuffed a sandwich in the filter of the hotel’s hot tub or something dumb like that. The hot tub overheated and—viola!—Nick Nolte burst onto the scene.


Fernando was most displeased.





But we eventually got back to sleep and, in the morning, we celebrated April Fool’s Day the proper, non-Nick Nolte way, as is, and always has been, tradition in my family going all the way back to the 1990’s: We put fake spiders in Wednesday’s shoes.





AND in her breakfast when she wasn’t looking!





(Hee hee hee.)


Besides the spiders, Fernando was very happy with breakfast that morning. His favorite part was the blueberry muffins, so Wednesday put one in a cup to save for the ride back home.




After breakfast, we went back to our room to pack our bags. Wednesday decided to get her April Fool’s Day revenge by having a pillow fight with Scope. I believe Wednesday won.




And she laughed so hard, she couldn’t breathe!





*snicker*


Soon we were saying goodbye to the Scopes and were heading back home again.




After a couple of hours on the road, we stopped to have lunch at Steak ‘n Shake.




Fernando REALLY liked the fudge brownie shake!





However, not everything was as appetizing at the Steak ‘n Shake that day. I won’t give you all the disgusting details, but I will tell you that Fernando and I witnessed a woman leave the bathroom stall in an extremely unsanitary state, walk right out of the bathroom without washing her hands, then proceed to put her poo-poo tainted paws all over her kids and their food!


Fernando was utterly grossed out.




My good friend, Germaphobia, pulled into the parking lot right at that moment and started tapping on the window, beckoning me outside. Scope, Wednesday, and Fernando were all eager to flee the Steak ‘n Shake in a hurry too, lest Ms. Poo-poo Paws come over to our table to borrow our ketchup or otherwise contaminate us in some way. (*shudder*) So, we paid our bill and ran for the exit, touching as little as possible on our way out. Gah!


(Oh, fresh air, how I love thee!)


Back in the car, we soon found ourselves racing the L Train.




We won, of course. Then we passed the hazy city.




And then we were home. :-)





© Coracabana